It isn’t as though I don’t think I can live on the road and hack this RV life. I kind of like the challenge of towing my home with me and the routine of setting up and tearing down. I enjoy proving things to myself, particularly when it’s reaffirming my strength and character as a person. And so far, I've done well, even in the face of numerous hurdles.
The thing is, despite all the planning and forethought, I find the trip has been an uphill experience. Like all uphill. I haven’t had the freedom or ability to explore or enjoy a new place. There’s always something I have to face head-on and tackle - the truck repairs, the issues with the camper, discovering I’m in a dead zone for cell reception for a week and can’t even use navigation to find service (though it was empowering to rediscover that I can totally still function using road signs and basic directional indicators). The frustration has been mounting, despite all my best efforts to find that fucking silver lining every time I feel myself spiraling down the negativity drain.
Three months into full-time RV living and two months on the road away from Maine, I’m having consistent moments of wondering if this trip is at all what I should be doing - more than I care to admit. I get that life lessons and change usually brings about discomfort and upheaval, but it’s becoming more discouraging than it is empowering. I deliberately set no real expectations around this trip, but I’m still mainly feeling disappointed. The challenges take up more and more of my ‘free’ time (otherwise known as after work and not driving time) so I can’t venture out to see these places I’m visiting. It's like constant goal-setting without the little wins along the way.
Quitting isn’t in my wheelhouse. So much so that I often go well passed the point when I should have cut my losses and accepted the path I was on wasn’t in line with who I was becoming. I stick with things until the bitter end or until I succeed, and even when there are signs I won’t enjoy the feeling of success or accomplishment at the end of the road, I stay the course. I wouldn’t say it’s fear of missing out; more like a deep desire to never be plagued with wondering if I’d just stuck in there or with it for a little longer would things have turned the corner? it's flawed thinking. I know this, but I don't know how to step out of the cycle of it without negative self-talk.
In addition to the logistical nightmare of this trip, there are other considerations around my mother, my kids, and my work life that complicate my ability to process and make changes. My next stop is Texas and I'm going to spend some time re-evaluating the pros and cons of continuing this journey, and those of ending it.
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