It sometimes occurs to me that a majority of my writing about rape comes from a heated place. Anger, frustration, and disbelief at the ignorance that surrounds us when it comes to rape and its victims, often produces a lengthy post on my blog or fuels pages in my yet-to-be-finished-book. I'm hesitant to begrudge this motivational state, as much of what I have to say — what I feel needs to be said, comes from a place of absolute passion that houses immense desire for change. There might come a time when the words come without being preceded by inflammatory statements, or ideas, but I won't waste the energy my anger provides.
What's tricky, is not falling prey to ranting. I haven't quite got that part figured out. It isn't that what I'm saying is any less true or relevant, but being able to present these ideas in a way that doesn't put an audience on the defensive would make a world of difference. That said, sometimes harnessing conviction with a strong voice is the only way to incite change.
Rape is a forcible, coercive and violent act that is perpetrated by those who lack self-control, conscience, and a moral compass. Any person engaging in rape, attempted rape, or molestation should be held 100% accountable for their actions. Period. There is no actual basis for victim blaming, other than to try and explain away the horrifying things people are capable of doing.
It is still a widely held belief that a victim who was wearing what we deem as seductive attire, behaving in a provocative manner, frequenting a questionable area/establishment, or some other perceived inappropriate detail at the time of their rape is somehow responsible for being attacked. Well, the faults in that line of thinking are numerous. For one, those types of scenarios are few and far between in the world of rape. It is also completely wrong to expect a person who has been forcibly violated to bear blame because of the length of their skirt, the amount of skin showing, their state of drunkenness or otherwise. Each and every person on this earth should be capable of owning their actions and their mistakes. At no time, however, does owning your own mistakes mean that you have to own the actions of someone else. Making a mistake, or behaving in a way a majority of people might scoff at, does not entitle another person to violate you in any way. Being in a relationship or dating someone does not mean you are entitled to sex, nor should any person feel they need to acquiesce simply because the other person desires them to. There is simply no argument that proves otherwise.
Let's put a few things into perspective. Of the approximate 293,000 rapes that take place per year, four out of five are committed by someone the victim knows, and 47% of rapists are a friend (or at least an acquaintance) of the victim (RAINN.org, 2009). There goes the misconception that rape is committed by mostly scary strangers. So, if almost half of all rapes are committed by a known individual, there are likely more motivating factors than just the victim's appearance. And quite clearly, location is a non-issue in these cases, as 'known' to typically means having met more than once.
Rape can happen anywhere, anytime and to anyone. While this is predominantly a crime against women, the truth of it is men and children are less likely to admit to having been raped, therefore, less likely to report it. That makes gathering statistics a bit more challenging. Currently, RAINN reports that three percent of males in America have been raped or sexually assaulted , and 15% are children under the age of 12. A staggering 1 out of 6 women has experienced rape and sexual assault in their lifetime. That's 17.7 million women in the United States (RAINN.org, 2009).
Why is it so important for us to shed outdated beliefs, and stop victim blaming when it comes to victims of rape, attempted rape, and molestation? The sheer magnitude of having life ripped away, finding a way to somehow cope with the emotional and physical impacts of rape while also trying to maintain relationships and daily life is mind-blowing. Is it really necessary, fair, or JUST to judge everything the victim did or didn't do, said or didn't say, tried or didn't tried when 1) they are already running the gamut of 'what ifs' in their head, feeling dirty, damaged, not to mention questioning if they somehow 'deserved' it and 2) they are in a state of fearful vulnerability that most people will never understand? As far as I'm concerned, the answer to the above is no. Victims shouldn't be judged; the real focus should be on holding the perpetrator accountable for their actions.
Let's just take a minute to look at the post-rape statistics:
According to statistics listed on RAINN's website, rainn.org, rape victims are:
Three times more likely to fall into or suffer from depression.
Six times more likely to experience or suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Thirteen times more likely to start consuming or abusing alcohol.
Twenty-six times more likely to start using or abusing drugs.
Four times more likely to seriously think about or consider suicide.
With odds like these pertaining to such difficult issues, on top of trying to come to terms with having been violently violated, why on earth are we engaging in victim blaming?
It does not, and should not, matter whether a victim had nothing to drink, or tipped back a few, wore clothes that in the court of public opinion leave little to the imagination, or showed almost no skin; ventured to a notably rowdier establishment, or were simply walking to their car or home. Over a third of all rapes occur in broad daylight (33% according to the Rape Crisis Center of Medina and Summit County, Ohio, 2015), in nicer areas, and to people in what is widely considered respectable attire.
Victim blaming is the most glaring factor in the rapes that go unreported. Thanks to the populous casting judgment at whim, victims withdraw and hide their nightmare, instead of reporting it and getting help. It is estimated that 97% of all rapists never serve a day in jail for their crime. Ninety-seven percent. With statistics like that, what on earth would encourage any victim to relive their horror and subject themselves to the biased jury known as public opinion? If we want to make progress, real progress when it comes to dealing with this sick kind of violence, victim blaming is the very first thing that needs to end.
It is incredibly difficult to put into words that can be fully understood by someone who hasn't had their body violated by another person(s) against their will, what it means to survive rape. For me, when I see the statistics, consider my own experience, and recognize that I somehow was able to heal as the person I am today, and know I did it all despite the societal climate when it comes to rape, I'm truly amazed. Of course, the downside to having built a successful, emotionally whole and fulfilling life for myself, is that my deepest cuts, most tumultuous times, and the absolute agony I suffered are viewed as less - because how else could I be as happy and self-assured as I am if I wasn't as affected? My strength, resolve, and choice to live a life that brings me and those around me joy, is not a result of a less violent rape, or because I'm better at dealing with pain. These things are all possible because I eventually chose to leave victim blaming behind. I stopped buying into the idea that it was somehow my fault because I came home too late that night. I stopped questioning every move I made leading up to the rape. I accrued a deeper understanding that rape isn't sexual, despite the acts utilized to control a person.
Owning my own actions and my own words, instead of being defensive, I've grown more than I knew possible. That small change enabled me to comprehend that no matter what I do or don't do, I cannot make another person do or say anything they don't want to. Each of us are responsible for our own self-control, and regardless of the lengths another person will go to to elicit a reaction from us, we are the only ones responsible for our actions. Nothing a victim does can contribute to the execution of a rapist's actions. There may be instances, based on crime rates and such, that increase the odds of rape occurring, but ultimately, it is 100% the rapist's fault for violating another human being. Until we start holding these deviant individuals to that degree of culpability, we cannot hope to see real change. Let's finally put the blame where it should be: with the rapist.
Sources:
*RAINN statistics - https://rainn.org/statistics, 2009.
*Rape Crisis Center of Medina and Summit County - http://www.rccmsc.org/resources/get-the-facts.aspx, 2015
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