At no other point in my life have I felt the weight and discomfort of how quickly and oddly time is passing than this past year. It's likely that part of that is due to the pandemic and how greatly it impacted our lives. How could that not alter the way we see the world and interact with our daily lives? But beyond the past 2+ years, I've always known that things would appear to speed up as I grew older, I was just unprepared for it to be in such a disjointed and uncomfortable manner. There are times when I don't know want to admit I'm not in a great place. It's then that much of what I experience feels 'off' in some way and I am at a loss as to understand why. Not having that insight has made it beyond challenging to remedy the emotions I am experiencing around even the most benign events. But even when I'm at the top of my game, things still don't feel like they used to. Of course, that's kind of how life goes.
Sometimes, I find that my expectations and recollections about experiences I've had in the past haven't quite evolved to sync with who I am today. I believe this contributes to those feelings of disconnectedness and disappointment. I’m not sure what I am expecting to feel when I do something new or something I’ve anticipated for some time. When I think back to my younger years, am I remembering accurately, or is my recollection tainted by romanticized perception? I could swear that when I was younger I experienced far more intense joy, excitement, and elation than anything I have felt in the last two decades.
Not having the same surge of excitement today in similar situations, the knee-jerk reaction is to think that I've lost something. As though I am incapable of achieving that level of satisfaction or enjoyment any longer. The crazy thing is that just isn't true. Preconceived ideas of what an experience should yield in pleasure or enjoyment just increase the odds of being disappointed. Part of the intensity of youthful joy and surprise is there is rarely a basis for comparison. So much was new and exciting that it essentially guaranteed us top-tier reactions. I can't experience the same feelings now because there is too much familiarity and expectation of a specific effect than true, intense outcomes need to be pure and impactful. I'm also a different person now, and what moved me then doesn't necessarily move me the same today. Perspective is essential. It shouldn't remain fixed, rather it should be fluid.
Being able to change and grow means there is a pattern of learning and redefinition. I'm not the same person I was even two years ago. Life has presented obstacles, challenges, and opportunities that have reshaped my views and my emotions. How can I possibly expect that even with all those changes, how I see things and what I find value in could ever stay the same? When we change, we have to embrace that our whole selves will change. I've realized that if I want to get more joy and happiness out of any experience these days, I need to discard expectations and allow something new or different to pique my excitement. I may have done something a number of times before, but that doesn't mean there isn't something new to gain from doing it again. I wore corrective lenses and glasses most of my life, but it wouldn't have made sense if I had continued to wear those prescription contact lenses after having corrective eye surgery. So why should I be surprised that my perspective and connection to events and people would need to change as I do? Isn't evolution the point, after all?
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