Life’s easy when you live it the hard way... and hard if you try to live it the easy way.
—Dave Kekich
Admitting anything about ourselves that we see as a shortcoming or fault is never easy. It sucks at first. Exposing something about who we are and who we have been that we don't want to be judged for or are ashamed of is a tough exercise to practice. Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable takes character. It's also character-building.
If only that last bit was a big enough motivator for most of us. We know facing the things we don't like or aren't serving our lives anymore would lead to a better life. The problem is most of us don't want to feel and deal with the shame or embarrassment those admissions will bring about. It's easier to avoid it. We also know that ignoring problems doesn't make them disappear. Yet, we are so afraid to get real with ourselves and own our shit, we never get to the next part of actually changing what doesn't serve us or our lives. This means we never get to the part where we become the person we want to be living that better life.
As a child, I remember being mortified by doing something – anything – wrong. I felt foolish and embarrassed. I'd lament over it for hours, sometimes days. Inwardly berating myself for it. That pattern of negative self-talk started fairly early on. I had no idea at the time that it wasn't normal. Well, not normal in terms of how young I was to be so mean to myself. Abuse has a tragic and all too clever way of making us question, doubt, loathe, and judge ourselves on near-expert levels all the while blinding us to the reality that there is nothing wrong with us, that it's the abuse and the abuser that should be under the lights of interrogation.
I've been doing a lot of self-reflection and analysis over the past few years, though recently I've realized that none of it is beneficial unless I'm willing to get uncomfortable. Like intensely uncomfortable. Whether we fully admit the things we don't like or know aren't in our best interest, we are aware of it all just the same on some level. So, if I know that I react in ways to others that don't reflect who I want to be and I don't admit it and do nothing to change it, I'm basically telling myself I'm not worth the effort. If I have an inkling that I have a few qualities that aren't great, but ignore them rather than dig deep for change, I've given up control and ownership of who I am.
The prospect of staying in the status quo so I don't have to feel like shit for a short while just isn't as appealing to me at 51 as it was when I was a kid. I could easily jump headlong into a cycle of regret, but honestly, isn't that just another form of self-flagellation? Shame and regret are real and a part of life, but they don't have to take up space in our lives rent-free. Why would I continue to give up the authorship of my life and who I am to such cut-rate and talentless hacks who don't have my best interest at heart? Shame, regret, and embarrassment are not best-selling writers, and their entire motive is to preserve the status quo.
No, I'm finally done with letting the cycle of negativity and doubt dictate who I am and how I feel about myself. I won't waste time wishing I had figured it out in my 30s. While the best time to get started was yesterday, the second best time is TODAY. Right now is a beautiful thing. It's an opportunity to act. Right now doesn't care if you tried countless times before. Right now understands we all stumble and fall, we all miss a step or fall behind sometimes, and it doesn't judge us for it. It's with us through thick and thin and will always allow us to try again. Right now is the best gift, though it won't always be there, so we'd do well to avoid taking it for granted.
